After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
