So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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