So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
did i just pee glitter
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