Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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