I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
