Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
