She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize