She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
