I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
