Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
