Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
