If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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