Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
