Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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