I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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