From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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