On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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