i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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