im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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