I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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