Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I believe in your delicious
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
