We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
