Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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