Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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