I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Randomize
