i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
