And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
im six kinds of drunk right now
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
