I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
