I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
