Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize