My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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