Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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