i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
