you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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