this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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