I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
