For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
