dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
