your parents love me but you hate me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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