I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Randomize