Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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