If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
