so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
your like the ambassador to my penis.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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