I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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