I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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