just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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