I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
