I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
