It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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