i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
