I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
