He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
it glows. i had to have it.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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