I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
