I CAN MOONWALK!
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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