She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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