If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
