Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
