I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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