Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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