If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
