Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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