I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize