This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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